Working and thinking of Joe

Have been in NE Montana working for over a month now. Not my favorite kind of country—FLAT--- but it has a beauty of its own I guess. Lots of open prairie here with farmsteads spaced every few miles. The Missouri River is just to the south of where I’m working and another stream runs nearby to drain into there.

The weather started out in the 70s the first of October when I started but tonight it’s down to 6 degrees and the wind chill has it as -8 already. Supposed to be in the – numbers later. But with 2+ inches of new snow on the ground we also can’t do our job so will have a couple days of “office” work while we wait to see if it melts off.

Have met some great people while I have been here, from a wide variety of places. Some that are used to the cold, some that are nearly frozen solid! A couple have been wearing thick Carhartt coveralls for over a month, some of us are just now digging ours out! Long johns will only get you so far in the cold weather.

We are starting to get back to a more ‘normal’ routine but there are still times when Joe is the only thing we think about. I find it hard to talk about things we did in the past and not feel like I have to explain that Joe is no longer with us. When someone asked about the name on my gaiters I wear at work, I don’t know if I should just say they belonged to my son or give them the story that they belonged to my son and that’s the reason I wear that set instead of the ones with my name on them? Do they really want to know, do they really care? Do I want to hear how sorry they are for our son’s death when they never knew him, or me before a month ago? Is this all my own since of pity for the loss of our son and I don’t want to have to explain it because it hurts each and every time I have to tell the story?

Probably all of those are true statements at some point in the conversation. I understand that it will get better with time, but dam, I don’t want to keep feeling that pain in my life. I know it will never be the same, but that does not mean I want it to continue to be miserable either.

I guess it’s good that I have a place to vent my frustrations and let out my feelings without the direct face-to-face contact that makes the pain worse. Thank you to my family and friends for letting me vent, I assure you, they will be less often as time goes by.

Miss you Joe!